Thursday, February 24, 2005
im bored. and tired. my eyes are watery and puffy. the result of not being able to sleep well for the past 3 days. i think i slept 8 hours these 3 days added together. arrgh everytime i start typing i forget what i wanted to blog about. there's too much to say anyway. hmm. maybe i shld just recollect my thoughts first.but all i can think about now is roy carroll's stupid error that cost manchester united the match. stupid guy.
oh and rui en too. and the 9 oclock show. honestly it's not bad but everything's too coincidental making it a little bit dumb for me. but hey who cares ive got rui eye candy en whee. yar but u see every one's so connected to one another that sometimes i forget stuff. and i attribute it to my lack of sleep rather than brain cells. yes im starting to think positive now.
for example these 2 characters meet again some where else. and i go like " why is she staring at him " and then she says something like " eh that's the gay!! " and i think OH CRAP I FORGOT SHE SAW HIM BEFORE IN THE OFFICE.
talk bout being neo.
ohkay enough about the 9 oclock show and my stupidity. im sure you dont wanna read my whine bout how stupid ive become rite. lemme say this again. i hate poly man. the people there really stink. i was reading through some blogs and it confirms my suspicion that people like this exist all over the level instead of only in my class. well, that's not a bad thing isnt it? my class aint THAT bad after all! cos every one's almost the same. =p so right. after getting out of secondary school, you go into tertiary education. is JC considered as tertiary? i dont think so, at least where the bus fares are concerned but yeah im talking bout JC/poly/ite/Mi whatever. ohkay so you step out of secondary school and you go into one of the above, thinking that everything's really cool and good and secondary schoolish. unfortunately that's not the way it works and people really start seeing how the world works during this phase of their life. The cruel, selfish, idiotic world of the devil where pple only think for themselves and try to either 1) exploit you 2) harm you 3) prevent you from doing well. yea cos you see. for stupid evil pple, if they cant do well they dont want others to do well too. but im digressing. so yea i end up somewhere where like more than 3/4 of the pple are like that. im not saying all are. but it's enough. even my frens are encouraging me like "hey shawn, go do this and that and blah and everything will be at ur advantage." "hey u think is blah blah blah ah. actually they wanna blah blah blah you." and im like what the heck. screw off. of course i dont say it to them cos they have my interests at heart. but it's really super sad that the world's like that. and even sadder that ive changed to a person who's more manipulative, withdrawn, and above all, i start to look at all the worse traits and evil things the person can do to me. instead of focusing on my frens. the focus is now on ME!!!
talking bout looking at pple's evil traits i remember josh once remarking that "hawn you're damn stupid you dunno how to see through people." heck i dont wanna see through pple. it makes me sick. and pple who need seeing through are just scary man.
so right continuing. it's ohkay if im in such an environtment and nothing changes. i get backstabbed for free and i still smile and say hey no problem, even though i hardly know you. uh huh. but im human and obviously i change to suit my surroundings. which sucks by the way. both the changing part and the surroundings. so now from Shawn the good fren who sacrifices his own needs/desires for his friends he becomes Shawn the guy who only thinks for himself in all aspects of his life and looks out only for himself cos in those screwed up surroundings. pple actually try to harm one another man!! im already kinda good by doing nothing.
but what bout my other frens? neubroknights. church pple. arise pple.
they suffer a change in my character cos of stupid poly. well done man. i mean i screwed up my o levels up and so many things get screwed up together with it. honestly im not depressed or anything. ohkay maybe a little bit sad by the way works and all but im more like kinda pissed off now. cos i actually allowed myself to sink to that level and then pple who i really care about are the ones who suffer.
so what to do? To me the only solution is to seek God. It's super obvious now that I cant do it on my own which i shld have realised from the start. I dunno. I am supposed to be different from the rest of them by being a light and shining God's glory and rightly representing His character wherever i go. and i failed. just like all my maths tests in ac. hmm. but im determined to make this work. not by my own strength but with God's guidance because hey how am i supposed to live a life of God out without Him around? =)
blah. i just wanna be who i was. or by His grace. some one even better.
~ Josh " sorrie, i'll never talk behind your back. I insult you in your face =) " ~