Tuesday, September 28, 2004
ohkay first. I've been really troubled about being in nyp and being in a super duper screwed up environment where i feel i dun belong at all. I dont wanna say much but i seriously think that i've screwed up my life by ending up there and being surrounded by people who are different. what this is the first time i'm meeting people who are psycho, some one who is poorer than me. People who cant speak proper English and people who have no common sense lah. As my mum would put it " you urself ended up there you've got no one else to blame u are already their kind of standard " and i was sitting in my room and thinking bout it, being close to tears. I was really afraid I would lose my ac identity. The very thing which makes us ac. Our havoc stories. Our witty replies. Our clever words. I feel like i'm getting corrupted in nyp lah.
Talked bout it to ah neh. Ah neh rawksssssss =)Yea but he gave me a real different point of view to it, and i guess God really put me in there for a reason. And for the past few days i've beeen having super super goood qts. cos i actually did qt haahhahaha. It's time for me to influence them!! not for me to get corrupted. yeapp but i realise i can only do it with God's strength and not my own. Look what i ended up with my own strength?
Just realised that being in nyp also made me a different person. I no longer was the Shawn i used to be. I could stomach every thing last time. Anger at me. Insults, Unfair treatment and still return every thing with love. Now it seems like I'm the one dishing all these out at the people in my class. What have i become? Definitely some one not of God ani more but of the world. I din even realise it until something really minor pissed me off and i was seething in the toilet, brushing my teeth when it hit on me. I dunno if it was God. but it was something good so i guess it had to be Him. I felt like " where's ur love? " the love that i was supposed to show to every one. The one which said. " Look put ur head down and humble urself. Cos people out there are looking. " then the words that really made an impact to my heart went something like " You used to think that. I shouldnt be like them. No matter what pple do I'm not going to retaliate cos i wont become like that. I will continue loving and being nice. but where did it all disappear too? " I was shocked. It was true. I'm glad God spoke to me cos that was what I was doing in nyp. I was being arrogant, disruptive and perhaps being nasty at times. I din like the place i wanted to get out. But God put me in there for a purpose. A purpose i feel which has something to do with reaching out. How can I with such a screwed up character. That's not Jesus. That's Shawn and the devil. Thank God for that realisation. Man just typing it out makes me feel happy ahhahahahhaha
Last issue. =) every friday u used to make me sad without fail. hahaha i stopped my passion and motivation to go to church because of you. All in all. My brain used to think all sorts of nasty stuff which u wld think of me. Or all kinds of weird dumb stupid stuff which werent even ani where real. As ah neh said.. he's been through this before too and we've got to stop ourselves from thinking too much... the both of us. both me and ah neh. And we are both going to be accountable to one another cos the 3rd person point of view always seems the best. But u noe what's the best thing about u? You never ever waver when it comes to God. A one tracked mind for Him and ur attitude and character shows it. You noe that's what attracted me to you in the first place. I'm really glad you were willing to overlook all my mistakes in the past and how i might have sinned against you with regards to our emotions. Thanks for still wanting to be my friend.That's how i noe that u really do care for me and that's really enough. You prayed for me and had my welfare in mind. You know at the split second i realised. that's y i loved you so much. and also at the same time. Why i shldnt be harping on it any more. Now u noe why u felt like praying for me. Dont worry i wont be sad any more. God has got my brain. Not the devil.
=) =) =) OHKAY AFTER TYPING THIS I FEEEEEEL SUPER HAPPY. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA oh man God rawks.